Those of us who are physically challenged go through trials and emotional turbulence. God is with us every minute, working to bring us closer to him—while Satan is scheming to wrench us away. Being chronically ill is one of the greatest challenges a disciple can face. Sometimes we wish our illnesses were of an acute nature so we could go through them, die and go be with God. Living in constant pain or sickness without knowing when it will end, yet trusting that God truly loves us, summons every bit of faith we have...one day at a time.I have been ill off and on most of my married life, twenty-one years now. For the past eleven years I have experienced debilitating fatigue and headaches. After many trips to various doctors with no diagnosis, I figured I was crazy or just needed to have more faith. My life as I knew it came to a grinding halt when Ryan and I got out of the ministry ten years ago. It was at this point, after moving to San Diego, that I received a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. In an open-minded effort to get well, I tried many treatments: traditional therapies consisting of countless prescription drugs; physical therapy; unconventional and natural treatments such as diets, purges, chelation, herbal remedies, vitamins, colonics; a headache clinic; a muscular pain clinic; fibromyalgia treatment; yoga and psychotherapy. I didn't want to close any door that God might use to heal me. In fact, God is using some of these things to help me, yet, the spiritual lessons that I have learned have brought far more healing than any drug or treatment—a therapy that goes beyond the physical to the deepest part of my soul. Here are a few things God is teaching me.
Bitterness Toward God
"A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD." --Proverbs 19:3 (NIV)
"Woe to the man who fights with his Creator. Does the pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with him who forms it, saying, 'Stop, you're doing it wrong!' or the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy can you be!'?" --Isaiah 45:9 (TLB)
As I began dealing with the fact that I was legitimately ill and probably not going to get better, my prayer life disintegrated and my outreach virtually stopped. I was barely even giving to my family. My energies, such as they were, were focused on myself and finding that silver bullet, that right treatment that would heal me. Becoming more and more miserable, I realized that I was very angry with God. A faithful sister, Ramona Garnier, told me to go outside, pray and express my feelings to God. I resisted, stuffed my emotions and attempted to deal with it on a rational level. Trying to find the reason it was happening, I reasoned, "Well, he allowed me to get sick because he wanted to teach me this or that or I had to get sick for certain changes to happen." I was desperate to understand.
