Throughout our spiritual walk we have many conversion experiences. My first was when I became a disciple at the age of 18. When I was baptized I was overjoyed to find my relationship with God and to see what God had in store for me. It was obvious how God had orchestrated people to come into my life to show me the way to Him. My faith was fresh, my heart was eager, and my life had found new purpose.
Then life comes along… college, dating, career, marriage, and children. Each phase of life has its own conversion experiences. To some extent, being a disciple became more of a habit and lifestyle. I have often thought that because I have chosen to follow God, that life should be good and the storms minimal. But that isn’t always the case…
A little over a year and a half ago, I experienced another life changing event. After 20 years of marriage in the Kingdom, I was now a divorced, single mother of three teenagers. I was crushed. The landscape of my life and spirituality had taken a drastic change.
As I cried out to God, I realized that I had a decision to make. I could blame God, become bitter, and potentially destroy the faith of my children; or I could cling to the Word, open my heart to the women around me and beg God to carry me. I chose the latter.
Hebrews 11: 1 -“Now faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what we do not see.”
I definitely wasn’t seeing how I was going to fare in this storm. Through my tears, I begged God to speak to me through His Word. Each day as I read, God showed me that He could identify with every emotion I was experiencing. Rejection? Betrayal? Loneliness? Yes, Jesus had been there.
I saw how God hurt with me, and the Psalms became a balm for my broken heart. I would call the women in my life to share my attitudes, feelings, and tears. They patiently listened and cried with me. I borrowed their faith because mine was weak. They helped me to stay focused on God, and to trust that He was preparing my children and me for something better.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
I begged God to not let the circumstances shipwreck my children’s faith. My heart was breaking as I watched my kids wrestle with why this happened. I begged God to work in their hearts as they navigated through a situation that most Kingdom Kids will never experience. But I had to realize that God too was preparing their hearts through this storm.
As time moved on, I also had to look at my heart. Relationships don’t occur in a vacuum. What was God trying to show me about relationships in general, and especially with Him? I began to realize that I had hurt God by allowing the circumstances of life rob me of complete intimacy with Him. This conversion brought me to a deeper understanding and tenderness with God that I had never experienced during my walk as a disciple.
Wounds take time to mend. Seeing how God has provided for and carried us through this experience continuously helps my heart to heal. I have watched my children grow in their relationship with God and they have felt the love and support of the Kingdom like never before.
I Peter 3:6-7, 9 [6] “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. [7] These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. [9] for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
But as with any conversion… the power is in seeing God transform the hearts of others. Despite the circumstances, the power of the Jesus’ sacrifice
moved the heart of my 17-year-old daughter, Jenna. On July 14th, I was able to baptize her into Christ. I could feel God embrace me and I knew all the pain and tears were worth it.
I am still not on the other side. Despite the storm, I have learned to embrace the struggle. While it has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, I would not change it. The conversion in my heart and my daughter’s are too valuable. I continue to pray for humility and to be an example of love and faith. I have learned that I cannot control what happens to me, but I have the Spirit to guide me as I deal with it. I have chosen God, and His sacrifice – it is all I need.
