Emotional Challenges in the Winter ^Featured

I've lived in New England since 1993. At that time, I moved to Belmont and worked at MIT. It was also at that time that I found a relationship with God. I was baptized on July 21, 1993 and cannot even begin to tell you the adventure that my Christianity has been! In that time, I've entered the ministry, found the woman of my dreams, went on the mission field and planted churches. There are more blessings than I can count, yet there is one challenge that I begged God to take away. The seasonal depression.

For me, it always starts in January. My normal disposition becomes melancholy and repressed. It takes everything that I have to give at the same rate that I give throughout the rest of the year. I had learned to dread the winter. I went to doctors, tried medication and even changed my diet. Yet, nothing seemed to work completely. I felt like Paul asking God to take this thorn out of his side. I began to get bitter with this weakness in my body.

I looked at others and watched how they handled it. Moving away was a popular option. Somewhere the climate was more temperate, yet I cannot do that. I love the church that I'm a part of and do not yet feel called by God to go elsewhere. Perhaps, at some point in my life, I will need to move as a result of my physical challenges, but I don't see God asking that of me yet. I've used sun lamps, medication and even hypnosis, yet, nothing consistently works. I even tried using prayer to manipulate God into making my life a little easier...yet, He was much wiser than me and answered my prayer with a "no."

So what do we do with something that is chronically making life harder? Do we just suffer and bear it? Do we move away from family and friends with the hopes that we will make new ones? What do we do? I wanted to share with you a little of my journey and what I have found that has helped. Please understand, nothing has helped to take it away completely, only to draw me closer to God in the midst of it. As I share, I only give you a template of what worked for me. That does not assure every little thing will work for you. Rather, I present them to you with the hope that they are catalysts to new ideas and thoughts that might get you on a path that guides you to Christ.

The first thing I had to do was change the way that I viewed my seasonal depression. I saw it as an illness and therefore weakness. I saw it as something that was drawing me away from God. When the "darkness" came, I felt like I was in a fog and could not emotionally connect with God any more. I did not have the natural inclination to read my Bible, deeply study scripture, fellowship with my brothers and sisters, yet, I had to see that something else was happening. When these times started, I observed that I was praying more than ever. In the summer and spring, I didn't feel the need for God. I was off doing my own thing...it was obvious to me that I was relying upon God much less. Yet, in the winter months, there were days when all I could do was pray. I quickly learned that although my agenda was not being propelled forward, God was working. As a result of a deeper prayer life, I found myself with more profound Bible studies, deeper fellowship and a spiritual strength I did not have before. He was using this time to help me rely on Him much more. It was an amazing revelation and one that I cherish to this day.

Second, I learned that there are ways to better manage the "darkness." I quickly took to exercise. My doctor prescribed an hour a day for me. She told me that it was the equivalent of daily medication. I'm not sure how true that is, but I do find that running everyday helps me to keep my sanity. Please understand, I HATE to run. I don't run fast and I don't like to run far. I'm miserable the whole time, yet there is a shift that occurs in my biochemistry that takes an edge off the "darkness". This has led me to run two marathons with my father (he's run over 12 marathons). This has brought about a closeness with my dad that I thought I lost when I became a Christian. We don't run for time, we run to be with each other. The joy is overwhelming. As I look at my struggle over the years, I've learned that God has used the "darkness" to draw me in closer fellowship with my dad. He used my challenges to give me a gift that is more precious to me than words can describe.

Third, I talk about the challenges. It is easy to feel ashamed and "less than." Yet, sharing and connecting with others is a huge piece to keeping perspective and living (versus existing) through this time. I see doctors and get input. I take medication if they feel like I really need to. I look at all the options. The one thing that I try very hard not to do is keep this struggle to myself. As a result of sharing my struggles, I have connected with others that have similar struggles. We have been able to connect in a way that would never had happened otherwise. We share how God is working and in the "darkness," we find hope and hold on to each other more tightly.

Fourth, I do academic research in the Bible. I study out what I would normally consider the most boring topics or books. I shift from devotional study to an academic one. I dig in deeper than I ever thought possible. This may sound strange, but I found that it really worked for me. The "darkness" is a string of negative or oppressive messages on which your brain fixates. If you do not introduce any different thoughts into your cognitive process, you will find an inability to make decisions or function at the same level as before. God's word is not just a new message, it is THE MESSAGE that our brains need. It provides hope and grounds us when the rest of the world seems lost. When you are in a fog, you need a light, a beacon to focus on and follow. God's word is that beacon of light. The gospel message is that anchor that keeps you from drifting with your thoughts. It is very powerful.

Fifth, get out of bed early. This is physically such an important decision to make. The "darkness" wants me to stay in bed in the fetal position. If I can muster up "20 seconds of insane courage" (We Bought a Zoo), I find that everything quickly starts to fall into place that morning.

Sixth, figure out how to pray. In the last 21 years, I've used a journal, talked into my pillow, prayed with other brothers, walked in the snow talking out loud, and even went into a closet. They all worked for awhile. Yet, as my heart changed, my ability to connect with God changed as well. I used to think that using a journal was the solution or entering a closet was what I needed...yet, just because they worked at one time, did not guarantee them working this year. This year, I learned that talking out loud and singing were essential ingredients to my prayer life. I still journal, I still talk into the pillow, but I keep trying other things because I know that prayer is the life-line to God for me.

Seventh, get the sleep that you need. I used to wake up every morning at 4 am. But I never adjusted the time that I went to sleep. I would still go to bed at midnight. I got four to five hours of sleep a night. I did this for years. I had to slow down. Now I still try to wake up early, but I go to bed earlier as well. It works much better. I had to get the sleep that my body needed.

Finally, "deny yourself and carry your cross" takes on a greater reality. The truth is that we are all going to struggle with something in our lives. That is the honest truth and the sooner that we figure that out, the better it will be for us. We quickly learn that these struggles are opportunities to deny ourselves. When the darkness comes, I have to make conscious decisions about the littlest things. I want to isolate myself. I want to run away...yet, I have to fight it. Yes, I will go to midweek tonight. Yes, I will get out of bed and brush my teeth. Not every midweek or morning carries this level of struggle, yet, there are days where my conviction has to be greater than my mind and body.

Living in a place where there is less sunlight at different times of the year can be challenging, yet is also a blessing. The four seasons create a spiritual balance that I would never recognize anywhere else. The winters teach me that God is in charge, even when the joy and "easiness" of summer come, this lesson is becoming more and more a part of me than ever. Please, remember, God is using your challenges and struggles. You can overcome.