“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)On Friday December 14th, a week before Christmas break in 2001, I came home to see my normally reserved mother crying on the phone in the kitchen. My mom was being notified that my dad had been rushed to the hospital after suffering a minor heart attack. We drove with my brother to the hospital after my dad’s angioplasty, and we were relieved to find out that his condition was not life-threatening. He spent the next two days recovering in the hospital, and we carried on with the gratitude that comes from experiencing a near-tragedy. Suddenly, on Sunday night, my dad’s health began to rapidly decline as he struggled to stay stable and conscious. In essence, the doctor told us that he was dying from unknown causes. I remember walking with my brother in the parking garage of the hospital while in tearful prayer for God to save my dad and for God’s will to be done.
My dad died that Monday afternoon, leaving my mom, my brother and me. Our lives altered beyond what I had ever imagined. At sixteen years old, I experienced a crushing blow to both my identity and my life. The following months and years brought healing which resulted from newfound adaptations to life without a father. I began to form my “new” identity, which was to be an independent woman and learned to be incredibly self-reliant: a trait that markedly affected my relationship with God. At that time, I believed that the identity of a woman should emerge from her abilities and independence. This conviction was greatly magnified as a single woman, and I saw no problem with my attitude. What was the result? I was convinced that I could be on my own, do as I please, and not "need" other people!
In my later college years, I started to take a sober look at the way this independence manifested itself. I was invited to join the Overcomer’s Group led by women with the heart to help others work through hurt in their lives. This safe and structured group truly helped me to realize the pattern of fear that had formed my decisions. Consequently, I was following a self-protective approach to life, refusing to leave my security up to chance. It takes a great deal of faith for most of us to surrender, but it was even harder for a person like me who wanted to be in control. For me, relinquishing control was risky and even foolish.
In grad school, my mentor patiently listened to my bold convictions of self-reliance, and lovingly pointed out my tendencies towards isolation and pride. Through this, it became clear to me that my lack of trust in God was being intensified, as my doubts about his willingness to care for me escalated. Nothing seemed to protect me from hurts and disappointments, even though I had built up many preventative measures. Instead, I saw that I had taken over the "yoke" that Jesus had promised to carry and clutched it tightly, reluctant to hand it over to my Lord.
Now as a single woman, I have found it additionally complicated to navigate on this road of self-sufficiency. I have had to grapple with how I need to "fend for myself," and yet embrace the fact that I need others. My mom, who gives me consistent emotional support, reminds me that we have been created to be in relationship with others. These same relationships provide such profound spiritual support and connection to the body of Christ. Now, standing on my own two feet and having my own identity are no longer a priority. I have become calm, optimistic, and shockingly carefree! I have learned to place less emphasis on myself being independent, and it has been easier for me to trust in God. I can fight to believe that I am loved, protected, and safe in God’s hands. Ultimately, He is my father on whom I can ultimately depend.
