They say there are a few peak moments in your life. For example, when you get married, or when your first child is born. This letter is about a couple of those moments in my life.
This is a restoration letter. The two peak moments I am thinking about are my baptism - or really moments before my baptism, and my restoration - again moments before my restoration. There were 16 years between these events that seem to fade into the background in the light of them.
I talk about the moments before these events because that is when my reality bent and broke - and it was replaced with something else. After that, there is no return.
I grew up in a religious household. My mom taught me about God and we went to church every week - sometimes twice on Sundays so that I could sing in the church choir AND serve as an altar boy. I went through religious schooling, on retreats, got awards in Boy Scouts for studying my religion and its doctrine and history. I was a good boy. I had it all together. However, I was missing the point.
In early March 1991 I was at college when I was invited to midweek church service with a group of Christians that met on campus. At first I was right at home, surrounded by people who had it all together. They smiled, hugged each other and talked a lot about church - well, actually the Bible, but in my mind they were the same. Soon after they asked me to study the bible and I gladly accepted.
We studied almost every night. Each study was like nothing I had every seen before. How could this be?! Sometimes I felt foolish, sometimes I felt
tricked, I thought there had to be an explanation for why, despite all my studying and upbringing , I never saw the truth of these scriptures. For the first time I saw myself for what I was - I was doing many of the right things for mostly the wrong reasons and I really didn't understand God's gift of grace. I was a Pharisee.
A few weeks later on March 21,1991 I was baptized. I was eager to share my experience. I was green. And I had no idea what it meant to live as a disciple.
Three years went by and I had learned some things. My knowledge of scripture had increased. Sometimes I lead bible discussions. I did my best to teach those who I was responsible for how to live like a disciple. I still had no idea what it meant to live as a disciple - but I thought I did. I had replaced one list of things to do with another list and was following the formula. I shared my faith with X number of people per week to get Y number of people who were warm to the scriptures and Z number of people who will study the Bible - none of which became a Christian.
Soon it became apparent to me how incompetent I was when the one person who I was put in place to coach started to have difficulty. I applied the formula to him, but it didn't fit - he rejected it. I didn't know what to do. Those in leadership over me didn't seem to know what to do. I felt more and more like damaged goods - unsuccessful and incompetent as a disciple - I blamed everyone but myself for not showing me the formula on what it took to be a disciple. Soon after this, I gave up and threw myself into my schooling and profession. I understood the formula's there. As I left the church, I remembered thinking two things - first that a clean break would be best for all involved, and second that I had wasted the better part of 3 years of my life.
It took 8 years for me to realize what the formula of living for your job would lead to. And it took another 8 years for me to fix the damage to my relationships and family that the first 8 years inflicted. During this time I passed off the Boston movement as a group of well meaning people who were just as corrupted as any other man-made institution. Definitely not the Kingdom of God. From time to time I would hear things about the church, that it is a cult, that the leadership will eat your children, and that the church was imploding from within. I dismissed all of these as the FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) that is always spread about misunderstood groups.
Finally I met some disciples once again. Actually my wife did. I waited quietly for them to apply the formula I knew so well. Would they categorize myself and my wife as hot, warm, or cold? Would they move onto others and leave us behind once we didn't respond? But nothing happened. Were they weak and uncommitted disciples? Or maybe the Boston movement really did implode. So I went online to DisciplesToday.net to find out. I read about troubles with leadership, discontent, division, hurt, confusion, and so many other things. In many ways all of the self doubt, frustration and futility I had experienced in my own relationship with God was played out on a much larger scale. I could relate to this pain and confusion. I understood for the first time that I was not the only one who felt like this. There were some voices echoing in all the noise. I call to return to the basics. A call to return to Christ's love. A call to get together and try to figure out what to do and where to go. I heard clearly that all of the effort and heart and mistakes of the past were NOT a waste of time - but something that could be learned from. Slowly it dawned on my - nobody really knows what they are doing. There is no formula - there is only heart. I began to see the Kingdom of God once again. I felt foolish, tricked, and that the last 16 years of my life were such a missed opportunity.
Shortly after that I asked to be restored and studied to that effect. A few months later my wife studied the Bible and was baptized.
So here I am now. I am still a Pharisee - but I understand that tendency more now. I still have no idea what I am doing - but I am realizing more and more that doing is a lot less important than being and coming to understand grace in a way I never did before. Everything is new to me - being a disciple with a wife, a new baby, responsibilities and a lot less time than I had in college. I feel I am here to contribute something. I don't know what - but something. When it comes to my relationship with God, there is a future. The fact that I don't understand it is less important to me now - I only hope that as we shape this future together it can look more and more like Jesus and that first church we read about in the Bible. Most of all I am grateful that I got to see the Kingdom of God twice and, as it turns out, the Kingdom is within us. Who knew?
-Rich Riendeau