Editor's note: Joe Dubowski is a disciple in the Chicago Church of Christ. He and his wife have been disciples for 36 years. Their daughter, Gayle, was a disciple in the campus ministry at Northern Illinois University when she was killed in the shooting that took place on Valentine's Day of 2008. Gayle's story, and the story of their finding hope in the midst of her loss, can be found in Cartwheels in the Rain: Finding Faith in the Wake of the Unthinkable. Joe currently works as a marriage and family therapist, and specializes in helping people with grief. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
A year ago (September 2013), I was hospitalized for nearly a week after experiencing pressure on the right side of my chest. I drove myself to the hospital after considering whether I might be having a heart attack, although the symptoms did not match what I knew and read about cardiac infarctions. After describing my symptoms to the woman at the desk of the ER, they immediately escorted me to a room and began running a battery of tests to see what the problem was. After about an hour, and after having a CT scan of my chest, the ER physician came in, sat down, and told me that the indicators for heart attack were negative, but that another indicator caused him to call for the CT scan: I had pulmonary embolisms in my right lung, confirmed by the CT scan.
For those of you unfamiliar with pulmonary embolism (PE), it is a serious condition that is caused by a blockage to a blood vessel in the lungs; a massive blockage can cause collapse, even death (according to the Centers for Disease Control in the U.S., sudden death is the first symptom in about 25% of people who have a PE). Usually it is triggered by an underlying blood clot in a leg, as was the case in my situation: I had injured my right knee only a week earlier. Sometimes a PE presents with no apparent symptoms, while other times it is noticed as a pain in the chest or as breathlessness. Fortunately, I had symptoms and paid attention to them, and sought timely help.
Listening to the doctor's discovery, I knew what a PE is. I knew that it could be potentially fatal. I also thought "Could I be going home [to be with Jesus] tonight? Could this be my time?"
Don't get me wrong; I love my family, I am enjoying my life and my work, and I have plans that will keep me busy for another few decades, if I am to remain in this world that long. But I will be more than happy when God says that my time here on earth is finished, and I can depart to await the judgment and the life to come. Convinced that I may still be useful here, I believe that I have remained and will remain here for a while (at least until I clean my office).
After meeting with doctors, spending nearly six days in the hospital while the staff monitored my blood clotting factors and the anti-coagulating drugs that they put me on, I was allowed to go home. From that time on, I had several episodes of chest discomfort, each less noticeable than the one that preceded it. By the end of October, all symptoms had disappeared. By June of this year, a follow-up exam found no remaining trace of the original clot in my leg, and I was able to discontinue the medications. However, I am aware that roughly one third of people who have experienced a DVT (deep vein thrombosis, or blood clot, in the leg) coupled with PE have a recurrence in the next 10 years. I won't let my guard down.
What prompted me to write this today, however, is what occurred to me as I was on a bicycle ride this evening. It dawned on me that I am in a sense living on borrowed time. Not that I asked God "to give me another chance" (I think of King Hezekiah in 2 Kings 20:1-6), but I simply don't remember really sitting with the reality that I was very close -- for a few minutes or a few days -- to not being alive today. It never really sank in for me. And so in a sense, I think I have missed out on really appreciating the amazing gift the past year has been to me.
As I reflect on this now, I am filled with a fresh sense of gratitude to God for this past year, and for this present day. The present is a present I received; it is the grace of God. Had my life ended in September of 2013, I would have missed so much: the people I work for and with; the clients I have helped with their journeys and problems; my son and grand-daughter living with us; friendships restored; speaking engagements; more dishes washed and more grass mowed -- all things large and small that make up one's life. Certainly, there have been trials I have faced, and that goes without saying. There have been more opportunities for sin to intrude into my life, and too many times when I have given in. But there have been victories, as well. All of this on "borrowed time."
Another thing that occurred to me is that I am not the only one living on "borrowed time." You are as well. Whether or not you know it, the day you just lived, and the one you will live tomorrow, are just that. They are days you did not ask for -- they are days given you whether you asked for them or not. There have been more opportunities for your life to be taken from you in the years you have lived than you are aware of. And like me, you may be blithely going on about your business not knowing that your leaving for the office five minutes late last Monday morning resulted in your avoiding a fatal car crash; not knowing that there are bacteria in your body that, if not held at bay, would kill you in a day; that you had a blood clot, too, but it dissolved without your ever knowing it. Or perhaps you have forgotten that you were very ill once as a child and almost died; but that was so long ago that you take it for granted.
Whatever your particular story is, there are untold events or non-events in your life that account for you being here and reading this article today, turns of events that saved you as well that you and I will not see or understand until this life is over, once and for all. Therefore, we should all regard each day as borrowed time. We can be grateful to be here, be watchful for the blessings, and see the troubles we face as the "light and momentary troubles" they indeed are. And finally, we should remember Paul's words to the Romans: "...do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" (Romans 2:4).
Therefore, let's together give thanks for the time God has given us, take every opportunity to repent, and look forward to the day when we hear God say "Well done, good and faithful servant. Join in your master's happiness."
Listening to the doctor's discovery, I knew what a PE is. I knew that it could be potentially fatal. I also thought "Could I be going home [to be with Jesus] tonight? Could this be my time?"
Don't get me wrong; I love my family, I am enjoying my life and my work, and I have plans that will keep me busy for another few decades, if I am to remain in this world that long. But I will be more than happy when God says that my time here on earth is finished, and I can depart to await the judgment and the life to come. Convinced that I may still be useful here, I believe that I have remained and will remain here for a while (at least until I clean my office).
After meeting with doctors, spending nearly six days in the hospital while the staff monitored my blood clotting factors and the anti-coagulating drugs that they put me on, I was allowed to go home. From that time on, I had several episodes of chest discomfort, each less noticeable than the one that preceded it. By the end of October, all symptoms had disappeared. By June of this year, a follow-up exam found no remaining trace of the original clot in my leg, and I was able to discontinue the medications. However, I am aware that roughly one third of people who have experienced a DVT (deep vein thrombosis, or blood clot, in the leg) coupled with PE have a recurrence in the next 10 years. I won't let my guard down.
What prompted me to write this today, however, is what occurred to me as I was on a bicycle ride this evening. It dawned on me that I am in a sense living on borrowed time. Not that I asked God "to give me another chance" (I think of King Hezekiah in 2 Kings 20:1-6), but I simply don't remember really sitting with the reality that I was very close -- for a few minutes or a few days -- to not being alive today. It never really sank in for me. And so in a sense, I think I have missed out on really appreciating the amazing gift the past year has been to me.
As I reflect on this now, I am filled with a fresh sense of gratitude to God for this past year, and for this present day. The present is a present I received; it is the grace of God. Had my life ended in September of 2013, I would have missed so much: the people I work for and with; the clients I have helped with their journeys and problems; my son and grand-daughter living with us; friendships restored; speaking engagements; more dishes washed and more grass mowed -- all things large and small that make up one's life. Certainly, there have been trials I have faced, and that goes without saying. There have been more opportunities for sin to intrude into my life, and too many times when I have given in. But there have been victories, as well. All of this on "borrowed time."
Another thing that occurred to me is that I am not the only one living on "borrowed time." You are as well. Whether or not you know it, the day you just lived, and the one you will live tomorrow, are just that. They are days you did not ask for -- they are days given you whether you asked for them or not. There have been more opportunities for your life to be taken from you in the years you have lived than you are aware of. And like me, you may be blithely going on about your business not knowing that your leaving for the office five minutes late last Monday morning resulted in your avoiding a fatal car crash; not knowing that there are bacteria in your body that, if not held at bay, would kill you in a day; that you had a blood clot, too, but it dissolved without your ever knowing it. Or perhaps you have forgotten that you were very ill once as a child and almost died; but that was so long ago that you take it for granted.
Whatever your particular story is, there are untold events or non-events in your life that account for you being here and reading this article today, turns of events that saved you as well that you and I will not see or understand until this life is over, once and for all. Therefore, we should all regard each day as borrowed time. We can be grateful to be here, be watchful for the blessings, and see the troubles we face as the "light and momentary troubles" they indeed are. And finally, we should remember Paul's words to the Romans: "...do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" (Romans 2:4).
Therefore, let's together give thanks for the time God has given us, take every opportunity to repent, and look forward to the day when we hear God say "Well done, good and faithful servant. Join in your master's happiness."
See also: NIU Campus Ministry Mourns Gayle Dubowksi | Gayle Dubowski: Still Making a Difference | Cartwheels in the Rain